Wedded Bliss

They said it wouldn't last, but John and I are about to celebrate our second anniversary in a few days. Last week, when the topic of our anniversary came up, John made an unfortunately confusing sentence choice and asked me, "Which one is it?" This, of course, played into every cliched "dumb husband" statement I'd ever seen on TV, and I immediately thought he was asking me how long we'd been married.

My John? Not so dumb, and of course he knew which anniversary it was- he was asking, instead, which anniversary it is, meaning silver, gold, wood, rock, paper, scissors . . . you know what I'm talking about.

So we went online to find the answer about the second anniversary: Cotton it is! The first anniversary was paper, which made sense because obviously we were going to give each other cards, but cotton? Well, John has been wanting a new pair of jeans and he didn't get any for his birthday last week, but still, it seems a weird symbol and not sure how to translate "cotton" into "undying love."

Again we turn to the internet to solve the mystery. Some suggestions we found were "placemats" and a "nifty pair of socks." (Hmmmmm, I've already got some of those.) The biggest stretch was probably the suggestion to "Plan a Cotton Club-themed party." Please.

Turns out, there are a lot of anniversaries with a lot stranger commemorative items than cotton, and a lot stranger traditions. Consider these doozies:

4th anniversary: Modern gift = Appliances; Traditional gift = flowers or fruit.
44th anniversary: Modern gift = Groceries (maybe, by that point in a marriage, a wife would really be truly happy if her husband actually helped with the shopping. Maybe the 45th anniversary should be symbolized by the gift of "putting the toilet seat back down" or "picking up your dirty underwear"?)

48th anniversary: Modern gift = Optical Goods (I guess it's long past giving "lacey" things and onto giving "bifocal" gifts at this point in life. But maybe this could translate into "telescope for watching the neighbors on their first anniversary, if you know what I mean!)

100th anniversary: Modern gift = 10 carat diamond (!!!) Well, I guess it's pretty safe to make up whatever you want to commemorate the 100th anniversary, since I'm guessing there haven't been too many of those in the history of the universe. I mean, why not say 10 carat diamond? I would also offer the alternative suggestions of "Uranium," "Space Shuttle Rides to the Moon," and heck, while we're at it, how about "Lap Dances." I mean, live it up! You're both 120 years old, been together for two lifetimes, and probably need a little spice, right?