Child Birth 101

Instead of preaching abstinence, high schools should just make students attend the "Childbirth Education Series" we started attending this week at the local hospital. We've only attended 1 of the 4 sessions so far, but they are priceless. Let's begin . . .

The group: I was the oldest pregnant lady in the room (shocker, I know). There were 8 couples and almost all of them were married, which was a shocker. But I supposed this is a self-selecting group because it costs money and takes time.

We had to bring 2 pillows with us. I did not think this was going to be the source of entertainment, except that this is Binghamton, so of course one of the couples (a colorful couple at that: Him = in his 40s, weighed about 110 pounds, horrible teeth, absolutely covered in tattoos, works as a radiology technician at the hospital; Her = in her early 20s, very simple/sweet young thing, but had a look about her that was straight out of Deliverance) had . . . interesting cases. You guessed it! They were my favorite: hunting themed!

The class was actually very informative. The first hour was like 5th grade sex ed (with tons of anatomy and processes explained) except that this time we had to pay attention because all that completely gross stuff (mucous plug, anyone?) was actually happening to us.

The best part, by far, however, was the props. Below is a photo of what is supposed to represent a darling baby, resting comfortably inside an amniotic sac. Instead, however, it is the stuff of nightmares. Not only is the baby just creepy looking (please, no one give us any dolls, they are always creepy looking!), but it also had stigmata on its hands and feet. OK, not real stigmata, but there were metal snaps in those places and it did look odd. The best was the snap on the belly button, though, making the baby look like it was going to come out of the womb looking like Britney Spears.

And that plush, padded, maroon "seat" the baby is resting on? That would be . . . the placenta. It was even sewn such that it had ridges and stuff and looked a little like a brain. GROSS.



Not as graphic but equally hilarious was this gem of a prop. Think you are looking at a rasta cap? No, my friends, that would be a custom, hand-knit . . . uterus. Only, to me, it looked more like a uterus cozy. Seriously, why are we using a knitted (striped, no less!) representation? And who made this thing? And how did they go about choosing the colors? Questions abound.



The best part, though, was the zipper. At the break, I asked the instructor what the zipper was for. "That's to represent a Cesarean section, of course!" Silly me.