Sometimes in life, you come across people who so perfectly fit every stereotype, that they are just a walking cliche. This morning, I came across one such character, who we'll just call The Guy.
The Guy was the third car to pull up outside the Snoop Dogg venue this morning. Well, HE didn't actually pull up, I'm thinking it was his mother, because she was about 70 years old and she dropped him off at the curb. The Guy was decked out in his Saturday best- a really garish Blue and Red Giants jacket (the colors do not translate in the photo) and matching Giants hat, apparently covering up a sweet mullet (as evidenced by the skinny ponytail announcing itself out the back).
The Guy was by himself (shocking) and could NOT stop talking. A stream of good shizzle, though, so I actually started taking notes (with my handy dandy and ever-present highlighter, of course).
The Guy was 36 years old (or so he announced several times) and went to the local Union-Endicott High School (also not a shocker). I'm guessing that this was the height of his personal trajectory, because he kept rattling off stories about all the par-TAY-ing he he used to do in high school. In the woods, behind the school, near the river, various unconfirmable locales that smacked of "I wasn't invited to real parties. You know- the kind held in cool people's houses." Of course, those HI-larious anecdotes were only preface to his 20+ year career of concert attendance.
The Guy busted out names of acts that I literally had not heard since junior high, but to him, they were still like living Gods. Come with me, will you, on a tour of horribly dated and questionably tolerable bands from the 70s, 80s and 90s (actually, scratch "90s"- that's too generous): Ronnie James Dio, Queensryche, Pantera, Vince Neil, Kiss. OK, so maybe some of these were great bands at some point, but The Guy was clearly STILL following them. Pan-freakin-TERA? My God.
The Guy was clearly excited to be around other people. He was very outgoing. And extraordinarily annoying. Not dumb, actually, just a big fat loudmouth living in 1988. Here are some of my fave personal revelations from The Guy. These are NOT edited- I was jotting them down verbatim:
"I done some nasty things up there at Hooters. We'll leave that up to the discretionary imagination." (he's too JV for a real tittie bar, so he goes to Hooters for the cheap wingz.)
"I'm thinkin' I'm gonna get a room at the Red Roof so I can stumble back after the [Snoop] show and play cards and tell everyone 'come back with ME!'" (clearly a plea for love)
"Yeah, I did that when Vince Neil played here. And I almost got him to come back with me, too." (clearly the Red Roof Inn has some cache with the faded hair-band crowd)
"I coulda went on my computer (to buy Snoop tix) but it crashed 2 weeks ago and my neighbor's a jerk and I don't know if (how?) a credit card works."
"Do you think it's just 30 bucks for a ticket, or is there some extra charge? Cuz I only got 30 bucks." (You care so much about this show that you are the third person in line, but you didn't make sure you had enough money? Or did Mom only give you $30? This would at least explain the failure to purchase online- no credit card.)
(at the box office window) "One ticket."
As much as I sound like I think I'm sooooooo much cooler than The Guy, there is one prized possession that The Guy and I share at this moment: